Darwin, Australia
Thirty-nine years or so ago, I saw you for the first time. It was my first few days in the office. The moment I turned around and saw you standing right inside the office back door, my heart started silently singing love songs. The 'tigidong-tigidong' sounds of my heart I could hear right into my brain.
All the while you just stood there and watched me. I had no idea who you are and least to say your name. For sometimes it was only you and I. I couldn't understand why I am so nervy in your presence, never been shy or nervy to others. You affected me more that I would acknowledge.
From the moment I saw you, I know I fell in love with you and I promised to myself there and then that I will love you for the rest of my life. And if I can't have a baby with you, I won't have any at all.
Fourteen years I've worked in your office, there were time many a times, when I am working overtime you came into the office and just stood there in SILENCE in front of me, watched me for hours until I finished my work. We both know that there was a chemistry between us, but none of us was willing to confront who. We are both too scared of what would be.
I've waited and waited for years and years, then one night I've realized you are too coward to tell me about your feelings or too ashamed to tell because I wasn't belong to your elite social standard. Whatever your reasons, it is not me to judge you.....it was just not meant to be.
So I decided to marry, to run away from you as fast as I can and as far as I can. I was happily married to my late husband which I've loved and cared for twenty good years, and still. He changed my outlook in life. He thought me that 'LOVE' IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN MAKE MY WORLD GO ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND.' that LOVE is the radius of all in this world. So in a way not marrying you wasn't a bad thing at all...TRULY MARRYING MY LATE HUSBAND WAS THE BEST THING EVER HAPPENED IN MY LIFE SO FAR.'
No I am not being 'sourgrape' yet it's facts of life. I tried my hardest all those years to put you aside in my subconscious mind so in order not to jeopardise my love with my husband. And yes, I've done it without trouble, I've given all my love to my husband with all honesty in me.
Until, 2007 when my mother died so I have to go home. In the first notion, I told my husband I don't want to go because he wasn't feeling well, but he insisted that he couldn't forgive himself if he won't let me go home, so for me to say last goodbye to my mother. So, I went home, and day after my mother's funeral you came to my home.
The moment I heard you called out my name from outside the gate, my heart jumped and the 'tigadong tigadong.' that was thirty four years ago is as loud or even louder at that very moment. I wanted to hug and kiss you as you hold my hands but I don't have the courage for I am still married to my husband. I could fell your hold tightening every seconds that made my hands aches but I say nothing to you because I don't want you to release me from your grip.
We ended opened up our feelings towards each other. YOU CONFESSED YOU LOVE ME and still loving me. I've asked 'was the reason you didn't tell me before that you had feelings for me was that I am poor? Your response 'You know that it is not true, truly I am happy for you because at least you are now in Australia and that you are in a safe place with your husband. Don't worry I will go and visit you in Australia.'
I thought how nice of you to think of me that much. We talked few times in the phone and we sealed our friendship with a handshake. We started communicating and then in some stage you started again pushing me away. You said it would be good for you and me. Why it is always you have to decide what is good and what is not good for my life.
Last year I saw you I asked 'what are your decisions?' You responded "what for? you will leave me again anyway.'
See, that was the end of my waiting.....you will never have the courage to face reality of life, that is 'TAKING RISK.' Without taking risk, mean you live your life in fear. You never had the chance to know what is really to feel to be loved and to love truly without fear. Maybe you feared that I will spend all your money...or what?
You should know that we only live once and whatever we had in material value it has no bearing on how the way we go.....we all under control by the LORD, HE alone knows when and where HE will take HIS breath from us. No money in the world can buy us from death. Only GOD.
For too long now, you've been holding my life. And I made my decision that I won't let you take my life with you. I asked the LORD to give me the strength to face this world on my own...for you are the shadow of my past, the ghost from my past.
But I AM KEEPING THE MEMORY of my late husband inside my heart forever.
The past I am Letting Go,
and
THAT IS.........................................................................................YOU!
may you find contentment to the place you're going.!!!!!
