MY HEART IS BIGGER THAN MY PAIN
(C)Julieta Casabuena Facto Moffatt - December 4, 2013
Darwin, Australia
When I was growing up, there WERE things and situations/instances that given me heartaches and pain...Pain that turned me so cold inside. There were times that I thought I can't survive the trials of life. Yet, I am still here! OFTEN YOU SEE SMILING SWEETLY.
As I reached the age of eighteen years old....and so on...I became more resilient to every trials that comes my way. Only me and my only self can change my life, can solve the problem for the betterment of my own self. WITH THE GUIDANCE AND LOVE OF MY LORD, JESUS CHRIST, I am what I am today.
The pain and sufferings I've been through, no one can ever know. With people and friends that know me, they always made comments of how can they never see me not smiling...so one said that I am so lucky I don't have problems. I thank her for that! For it is so true...why should I not be always smiling? I am still alive...even with all those trials and chaos of life I've been through.
As a widow, I don't want to elaborate how my feelings was and is. Because the past was of the past and the memories will live on forever in my heart. I don't stop loving Charles, he was and is still a part of my life. Charles will always be in my heart...He has a special place that no one will ever take it. Like my late mother, she will always have the BIGGEST PART IN MY HEART, next to GOD. Charles and mum are now in the other journey....yet...THE LOVE OF ME FOR THEM IS STILL BURNING LIKE BEFORE AND WILL NEVER DIES DOWN... I KEEP THE FLAME OF LOVE BURNING....
I LOVE AND RESPECT CHARLES SO DEARLY but he is not with me anymore. I need to move on with life...NEED TO LIVE LIFE...and to fall in love again, sure I am not disloyal to him.
Six years ago, I never thought that I will fall in love again....but TIME DID DECIDES...GOD sent me a gentleman that I used to know. From the first time and for the period of six years...I can only remember to talked to him in total of less than two hours...then....October 2012..the said gentleman approached me and told me that he is now a widower, and that night he was leaving for Fiji for a month, and he said that he would love to have a cup of coffee with me when he come back from Fiji, which I seconded 'I would love that too.'
Months flies, no see of him, no heard of him. He didn't come into my mind even a bit for all the months that gone away.
January 5, 2013... waiting for friends to see movie, I was sitting on the same spot, on the same bench of last October 2012...I saw him coming smiling towards me. And that was the beginning of our now coming into eleven months relationship by this December 10, 2014.
The relationship has so many ups and downs...I have doubts and I am sure he has too, where this relationship going....up to now....I still don't know where this GOING????????????
There are things that I often wanted to ask but, I am afraid to, because am so afraid what would his answer(s) be.
The pain and the silent suffering I am keeping inside myself is worst than that of the sufferings of being poor in material things. Emotion/love feelings are the greatest stress and anxiety producers. I am affected with these two forever and a day since I feel in love again. Gosh I did promised my self that I will not going to love again...but I always eat my words when it comes to falling in love. I am so hopeless in this case.
These days, I do have doubts about certain things...and if my brain to decide I am going to cease the relationship. Yet, my heart shouting, screaming not to give him away. To hang on to what is today. One asked me, what I really want from this relationship? My reply is that 'I don't have want, all I need is him and his love.
Him and his love. How can I have him and him to love me truly? While he is still in his cave? Would it be wise for me to hang on to this relationship or not? I don't know what to do. I am suffering silently. I don't want to hurt him because I love him so. But, I had so many experiences in life, that I've been hanging on to something for years, the longest of waiting was 39 years and it always ends up into nothing only but heartaches and disappointments.
I don't fall in love lightly...when I love, I love to the deepest meaning of the word and feelings. It will last a lifetime, even that person won't ever love me...still my love will live on, that is how I am when it comes to loving someone...unconditional.
My present mind is of confusion because now I am looking for conditions of loving him...I am trying my best not to, but, I am so dazed and confused right now. He says things and do things in other way. He is sending me and my heart mixed messages...My brain is in chaos and my heart is in suffering.
I've tried to stop my self loving him but it is so impossible...with all his many flaws I have my own too...so for the moment of time.......
MY HEART IS BIGGER THAN MY PAIN...SO I WILL STILL BE LOVING YOU NO MATTER WHAT..........
but ONLY TIME CAN TELL.......
FOR TIME HAS ITS OWN LIMITS.....
TIME DECIDES OVER MY HEART....AND HOPE YOU GET OUT OF YOUR CAVE SOON...OR MAYBE, MIGHT ONE DAY I AM NOT THERE FOR YOU......I AM WITH SOMEONE NEW...THAT IS WILLING TO LOVE AND CARE FOR ME WITHOUT RESERVE WITHOUT DOUBT....
for the meantime...
MY HEART IS BIGGER THAN MY PAIN.....
i am HURT but it is NOTHING....for....
MY HEART IS BIGGER THAN MY PAIN...
MANY OF YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS SLICED MY HEART INTO PIECES
BUT...IT'S OK......I UNDERSTAND YOU.....
my heart is bleeding....but it is NOTHING...
MY LOVE IS BIGGER THAN ALL THE PAIN YOU ARE GIVING ME...
but remember........
TIME DECIDES......
my heart is bigger than my pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU...
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| =BECAUSE OF YOU, I SMILE, I LAUGH AND I CRY= |
